Just One of Those Days!

Disclaimer: I am having a rough day so this post reflects that, kinda depressing it will be, if you for any reason would like to make a comment on this page, don't lecture me, don't criticize, you can sympathize, that's about it! 

You ever have one of those days, where it starts out great, but somewhere in the middle it just sucks and it drops you so low that it has the strength to ruin the rest of your day and maybe even your week with depressive woe is me thoughts? Well that was me, today about an hour ago.

We had a great morning, we got up drove into Spokane and went to the Farmer's Market to redeem our WIC Farmers Market vouchers, there was some good produce and so I spent all my $20 before heading home. Cherries, cucumbers, corn, and peaches.

When I start a day or even a week I don't try and dwell on the negative because i know there will come moments, I try and think about the positive. When I set out this morning my thoughts were;

it's 9 am we will stop and get apple pies at McD's and me a pop, than head to Spokane, kinda a long drive 15-20 min give or take, than we will get to get some yummy food, and try out Ezra's new stroller, because my motto "It's the Little Things in LIfe"

So that went great as planned... than we stopped off the at the grocery store and got food, another happy moment, than had lunch etc. You see my pattern, things I can control. 

Than we did what we have been doing a lot in the afternoon and went to the wadding pool, this is where it gets hard. 

I never know what to expect and that drops my guard down a lot. One day there was this down syndrome kid who's mom never watches him and he is constantly asking you questions and splashing your kids while they cry, and all while your trying to watch your own kids. Than there's the family who don't invest in swim diapers and have two children in the pool under 2 and they have huge bubble butts because they are in regular diapers and your thinking, man when are those going to explode and than gross. Than there is the other thing, people I know from church, my kids playing with there's. So far this summer it's been pretty basic the same people people I can have good conversation... (ok let me explain my bad day isn't from a person in our ward, I'm not that rude on line) and well today was different, There was a new lady in our ward there with her daughter who is a day older than Ezra, and the little 1 year old was walking around the pool all on her own. If you know me you know where this is headed... 

Ezra doesn't crawl normal and certainly does not walk. I love my little boy so much and I know in time he will walk and stuff and I will be grateful it took him so long... but at this moment I am starting to downward spiral. All these negative thoughts going through my head, and in the mean time I am watching Sami spazz out in the pool being Sami loud, and spastic, and than there's Daphne who doesn't listen and is naughty with her ear bandit on so her ears don't get wet... and than I am spiraling more... feeling sorry for myself in so many ways... 

Ezra doesn't crawl normal, he gets around and it's not as if he can't move and can't talk or anything else a 1 year old can't do, just his motion is all off. We are getting him into a orthopedic surgeon to get checked out they suspect he has some problems with his feet. So yes problem solved... 

Daphne... has tubes and because she couldn't hear for so long she is naughty but daring... she is almost potty trained, hopefully before preschool starts in September she will be ready. 

Than there's Sami, we don't exactly know what's going on with her, but until the Spring, I thought nothing, i just thought her and Daphne were from a different mold... but no it's far worse than that... She's getting 2's in school instead of 4's like everyone else, she see's a Occupational Therapist, a Speech Therapist and a Physical Therapist at school, and will most likely be meeting in the Resource room this fall to get help with her school work. Everything is too hard, and so we bribe a lot, and she has to have a schedule. We were lax and let her sleep on the couch falling asleep to a movie for a couple weeks for bed, and that just was wrong, she has never wet her pants and she wet her pants every day a couple times for a week... we went back to the bed time at 8 pushing it back a half hour so it would be dark when she went to bed, and making her sleep in her bed, and the wetting the bed has stopped. She hits a lot... not hard, but when she gets annoyed, and screams, a lot, and has a hard time whispering. She has an amazing memory or else it would be a lot worse. She doesn't understand things like times of day. Tomorrow, yesterday, later, today it's all foreign and confused in her mind, it makes it really hard... we can't tell her where we are going until we are actually on our way or she will freak out if we don't end up going or pester us about it for weeks on end. We told her about going to Disneyland in March, with the family, and we told her in February and so she told everyone at school and they all know, there question for me, is when are you actually going? She fixates on things like Little Mermaid, and My Little pony. If Dave draws her a picture of a pony and lets say the cutie mark is missing a ray from the sun, or a star or something so small she notices and it's the end of the world. Forget Daphne trying to draw a pony with extra legs... all her homework pages come home with drawings of ponies on the back of them, and most the time plays on her own, away from everyone else, and thinks everyone is her best friend... well... to chalk this all up they believe she has Aspergers. Now this is the hard part... the school diagnosed her as that, but we need to get medically diagnosed and so maybe in October that will happen, there's a waiting list of 6 months... bull crap huh! We are seeing her doctor tomorrow we shall see if there is another route... I would surely like to know! 

So there we have it... 3 kids with problems... so when I am surrounded by kids that have no problems, who walk on time and crawl on time, and talk and can get potty trained and play with others... my self esteem drops... me and Dave find our selves wondering, are we doing something wrong? Should we not breed anymore... is a baby #4 out of the question... and just when I start to think really bad thoughts I get on line and learn about women who can't have kids, or women who's kids are in the hospital a lot, or women who are in the hospital a lot... I had great pregnancies ... for the most part and my babies were all late and healthy... they left the hospital when I did within 48 hours... 

Heavenly Father in trusted me with these kids, they are mine but only if I am worthy of them and keep my covenants.. I love these kids with all my heart and yes I want baby #4 problems and all...

So when I am forced with these hard moments in life I pack up my kids and make an excuse and head on home... it's time to hunker down, turn on a good movie for rest time, and find a project to keep myself busy with... 

And remember that everyone has problems and trials whether you can see it or not... 

I am a good mom... I am figuring my kids out and once Ezra walks I have to chase him... 

So here's to a better tomorrow!